Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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