Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
