I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
