Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
