Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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