My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
