My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
