i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
