I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
