My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
