how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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