You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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