party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This toilet bowl is my home.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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