this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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