Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had sex on a roof
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
