just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
