You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
