Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
