When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
