for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so let's talk penis.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Also, beer. Big fan.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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