Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize