you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
