Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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