there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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