kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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