My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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