So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
