These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
