My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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