I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
