my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
