I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
