I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm really busy with my period
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