Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
did i just pee glitter
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
