I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
