i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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