So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
