It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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