Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
