babies were throwing up all over the place
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
