My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
