I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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