She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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