I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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