Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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