i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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