come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
