I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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