This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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