Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
