Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
