I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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