DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
