My underwear smells like fireworks.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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