I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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