I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am available for nakedness
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
