I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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