I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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